Airplane Jokes

This page souldn't actually be linked to anything anymore, but if you found it through an old link or by browsing the directory, then have fun.  The links to the right may be broken.

Get Down

We were standing in the hangar during serious crappy weather listening to a guy go over...several times as he missed the approach.
A student who had come out to hang around wondered aloud, "Think he'll get down?"
Somebody said, "Ain't nobody kept one up there yet."

accidents?

New Phonetic Alphabet

You may not be aware that a team of international academic authorities has been commissioned by the European Community to create a new phonetic alphabet free of patriarchal references (such as Papa) or words that might otherwise be offensive to minorities (e.g., Zulu) or those of differing gender. (Romeo, for instance, connotes a sexually obsessed individual, possibly a harasser.)

Fortunately, we have been able to obtain an early sample of their work. Try any common communication, and you will realize that a mere $238 million has been well spent!
  
A
Affirmative N
New
B
Bearing    O
One
C
Czar  P
Ptomaine
D
Disregard    Q
Question
E
Emergency    R
Repeat
F
Fire    S
 Say-again
G
Gnu     T
Tsunami
H
Hijack
U
Unsafe
I
Iago  V
Violation
J
Jalepeno W
Weather
K
Knew  X
Xerox
L
Llanelli  Y
Ypres
M
Mnemonic Z
 Zero

Back to Communications in the PSTAR


Ready Immediate?

Seems that Tom was working local with a nervous FPL watching over his shoulder. He had one air carrier jet just touching down and another on a mile final, with a commuter holding short for departure release.

"I'm going to get that commuter out between those two jets," said Tom aloud. The FPL could see that there might just *barely* enough time to make it work if nobody screwed up. But like any good instructor, the FPL wanted to let Tom make his own mistakes since that's the only way for a guy to learn. Still, the FPL couldn't help but mumble in Tom's ear, "If this works, Tom, it'll be a miracle!"

Tom keys his transmitter. He intends to say "Commuter 123, taxi into position and hold, be ready for immediate." What actually comes out of his mouth (in one of the great Freudian slips of all time) is: "Commuter 123, taxi into position and hold, be ready for a miracle."

There's a pregnant pause on frequency, and the then commuter pilot says, "Tower, I think under the circumstances we'd better just hold short. I don't feel quite that lucky."

Go Around

Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, aircraft on runway."
Solo Student Pilot: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
Tower: "Aircraft, GO AROUND"
Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
Tower: (Screaming) "AIRCRAFT, GO AROUND!!"
Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.)

So, the student pilot plunks his airplane down on the numbers, taxies up to where the twin is sitting in the middle of the runway, GOES AROUND it, and continues on to the taxiway.

Wake Turbulence

This instructor and a student are holding on the runway for departing cross traffic when
suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle of the runway, and just
stands there looking at them.

Tower: Cessna ABC cleared for take-off.

Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"

Inst: "What do you think you should do?"

(think-think-think)

Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."

Inst: "That's a good idea."

(Taxis toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)

Tower: Cessna ABC cleared for take-off, runway 19.

Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"

Inst: "What do you think you should do?"

(think-think-think)

Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower."

Inst: "That's a good idea."

Std: "Cessna ABC, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway."

(long pause)

Tower: Roger ABC, hold your position. Deer on runway 19 cleared for immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then--I presume by coincidence--the deer bolts from the runway, and runs
back into the woods.)

Tower: Cessna ABC cleared for departure, runway 19. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.

- It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off...  

Reduce Airspeed

A  "good ol' boy" Texas-sounding Air Force C-130 pilot was approaching for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this:

Cont: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."

Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya."

Cont (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."

Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots"

Cont: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you;
reduce speed to 90 knots"

Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?"

Cont: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."  

Turning Final

Student Pilot: Ah Jeffco Tower this is ah Cessna XXX final for ah runway ah 11 . . .

Jeffco Tower:
You're not on final, final is when you don't have to turn anymore to get to the
runway!

Exit on Taxiway

(Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing...)

San Jose Tower: American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the
Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.

Robyn's Flying Start Home | Improved PSTAR Study Guide

This page written 18 October 2002 by Robyn Stewart.  Abandoned 3 July 2003.

Robyn's Flying Start Home
Cessna 150 head on

Robyn's Improved PSTAR Study Guide
Enough jokes, back to studying!

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